How to ask for help after having a baby, and what to say.
Many new mothers find it harder to ask for help than to do the work. If that is you, this guide gives you the words, and it is a reminder that asking is a strength, not a failure.
Why it feels so hard
You may worry that you are a burden, that others are busy, or that you should be coping. You may be too tired to even work out what you need. All of this is normal. Most people who love you want to help and simply do not know how.
Be specific
"Let me know if you need anything" is easy to say and hard to answer. A clear request is easy to say yes to.
- "Could you bring dinner on Tuesday?"
- "Could you hold the baby for an hour while I shower and sleep?"
- "Could you do the school run on Thursday?"
- "Could you wash up and put on a load of laundry?"
- "Could you sit with me for a while? I just need company."
Keep a list
Write down small jobs as you think of them: groceries, a bin to take out, a prescription to collect. When someone says "what can I do?", you can hand them the list. It saves you the effort of thinking on the spot.
When you need more than a favour
If you are very tired, low, anxious, or in pain, tell someone you trust and speak to your doctor or midwife. You do not need to wait until things are bad. Help early makes the weeks easier.
How to say no to visitors
You are allowed to protect your rest. Here are a few kind ways to do it:
- "We would love to see you, but we are resting this week. Can we plan for next week?"
- "Thank you for coming. We can only manage a short visit today."
- "The best help right now is a meal. Could you drop it at the door?"
Say thank you, but do not keep score
A short thank-you is enough. Helping a new mother is a gift people are glad to give, and one day you will help someone else in the same way.
If you have nobody close
Many mothers live far from family. ThinkMoms exists for that. You can meet other mothers in a gentle, anonymous community, and ask for a Carer, an experienced mother who is paid to show up and help.
You may also like our helper checklist, which you can share with the people who want to help.
Common questions
Is it normal to find it hard to ask for help?
Yes. Many new mothers feel they should cope alone, but needing help after birth is normal and asking early makes the weeks easier.
How can I say no to visitors politely?
Be kind and clear: say you are resting this week, offer a short visit or a later date, and suggest that a meal at the door is the most useful help.
Come just as you are
You do not have to do the early weeks alone. Join ThinkMoms and let us stay with you at every step.
Join ThinkMoms, it's freeThis page is general information, not medical advice. If you are worried about your health or your baby's health, please speak to your doctor, midwife or local emergency service.